3:32 AM

3:32 AM and I’m up all awake already.

Robin Thicke’s songs are running on the iTunes.

But I dunno… I’m currently having these thoughts going on inside my mind.

Weird thoughts about life. About family. About friends (kinda miss them… just went through some photo browsing on my Facebook account). About work (and how I’m thinking that work has changing the way I am). About future (this one… I dunno… Always makes me… anxious).

3:37 AM

Still no signs of falling asleep.

Those things still runinng up through my head.

I have a lot of questions currently haunting my mind.

Am I happy?

Am I too intense?

Am I insecure about myself?

Am I overreacting a little bit about… well… everything?

3:39 AM

Another can of Coke.

I should’ve get me some sleep… Should I?

And how was your year?

Ladies and gentlemen… as you can see above, Ms Sandra Bullock. One of the most beloved actresses of her generation. Errr… no, I didn’t mean to make this post as a way to worship her (Ms Kate Winslet, you are still my rock!). But read the lines on that Entertainment Weekly’s cover.

Sandra

Seriously

Two Huge Hits, $300 Million.

Oscar Buzz for THE BLIND SIDE.

And how was your year?

Yes, read the last line. And how was your year? Well… apparently, Ms Bullock manages to do many amazing stuffs throughout 2009, in movies. Two successfull box office movies, The Proposal and The Blind Side, (What? All About Steve? What is that?). Not only that, her performance on The Blind Side got the critics buzzing over her first ever Oscar’s nomination. It’s definetely an astonishing year for Ms Bullock.

But then… it got me thinking. And how was my year?

Hmmm… how was my year? Well… I guess it won’t be as extravagant as Ms Bullock’s year, but hell yeah… I’m doing pretty fine this year. I mean, I’m still holding on to my career as a journalist. And when I wrote “holding on” I really mean it as… well… holding on. The job is one of the most toughest jobs in the world.

Have you watched The Devil Wears Prada? Seriously, the movie’s description of how Andy Sachs facing her boss is just the exact same how I’m dealing with mine now. I’M NOT JOKING!!! But then… just like Andy Sachs, I believe that this is also the beginning of my journey of something big in my future. And I believe that if I can make it here, I really can make it anywhere. And alhamdulillah, I can safely say that I’m doing really well at the office that I got a little promotion few times.

The non-career? Hmmm… I don’t know. I don’t have any exciting thing to talk about my ehmmm… love life. Hey… I met some of my online friends this year. They’re pretty nice. And then… well… my family. No matter what, I always consider having a family like mine is an achievement.

So yahhh… that’s all. Pretty boring, I guess. I dunno but I’m so looking forward to 2010. I’ve got myself some life plans and really looking forward whether I can make it or not. Mehhh… at least I will still have my family…

By the way, how was your year?

Alone… with everybody.

I bet you wouldn’t believe me if I told you that I was a geek in the past. A loner geek. Yes, I was. I dunno why I blog this but… damn… I miss those good old days.

I spent my school days as a really, really, really good boy. A bright shiny A student. I never came late. Always sit still quiet on my chair, listened carefully to the teachers, and did all my tasks. Every teachers love me. My friends love me too… well, since I always did the homework. Hmmm… I was quite a popular one during those days.

Anyway, to cut the story short, I remember that I have a really weird habit whenever my classes were over. I always going somewhere alone… somewhere strange… some place where no one recognizes me. Either it’s a mall (yes, you can laugh), a park, a book store, cyber cafe, or just taking a bus and let the bus drove me somewhere far.

Or maybe like at night… I took my motorcycle off to a dark, empty soccer field, make a stop there and just sat there and enjoying the view of the night sky.

Why did I do that, you ask? I dunno. I just like the feeling of being alone and didn’t get recognized by anyone else. It’s like… I always trying to find my secret hiding place. The place where I can be alone even with crowded human surrounding me.

I always find it comforting to be in somewhere strange and unknown. Even if there are a lot of people around, but if it’s a strange place for me, it would feel like being alone and empty… but with everybody.

And look at my life now… Not that I’m complaining or anything… it just that I really miss those days when I can be somewhere else free… alone… strolling alone with no exact place to go. Yeah… well… I guess grown up people didn’t really do something like that. Grown up people socialize.

But I mean it… Someday I’m going to find my hiding place. My secret place. My sweet escape out of this messy crowded world.

Being happy.

So… What’s ur definition of being happy? Me? I dunno. I haven’t
figured out any. I mean… yah… I could safely say that I am happy,
sometimes. It’s just that, I think my inner soul is looking something
more, and I honestly don’t know what it is.

Sumtimes I just blame myself for being a professional dreamer. I
always dream of this. Always dream of that. But always afraid of not
getting there. And I always afraid of what the future holds. I have
this tendency about being too worry about it.

Am I wrong?

Is it some kind of diseases?

I wish I could be just happy. And being ‘free’… whatever that means.
If only people know that I’m not too optimistic as I used to. Being
adult has wash it all away.